It’s Your Right to Be Wrong... In Relationships
By The Coach with The Hat (AKA – Elliot Kay)
Do you remember there were kids who, no matter what they did, were always cool? And then no matter what other kids did they were unpopular? And then you had the in-betweeners – maybe you were one of them?
You learnt so much by getting it “wrong”; you learnt the price of not being popular at some point. When that happened, you either used it to grow and change something about yourself or you fought it off and denied it. The former was you accepting feedback; the latter was you not wanting to appear wrong. What if you made mistakes on a regular basis? Were you praised for at least having a good go at it? Or were you told you were stupid? Were you left with the feeling that people who get it right are liked more and go further?
Sometimes it felt like if you got it wrong you were an outcast and a bad person. It’s amazing to think that all of this could be going on until the age of seven, which are your conditioning years. The way you react today to any situation was set between those years. Those are the years when a lot of your behaviour patterns become set. For example, when somebody pushes your buttons; either annoys you, frustrates you or triggers anger in you, do you find yourself reverting to behaving like a seven-year-old?
Your very need and desire to get it right is in order to avoid experiencing getting it wrong because of all the emotional attachment and judgment that goes with it. This in turn is counter-productive because you end up in so many situations that don’t serve you; fights, arguments or lying. On the other extreme, you don’t say anything to your partner; you never make a decision or take action because you don’t want to be wrong.
Not wanting to be in the wrong stops you from going for things such as the type of partner you truly want or something that you truly love, because then you attach being in the wrong to rejection. On a subconscious level you will do anything to make sure the relationship doesn’t work.
The case may be that sometimes you sabotage the relationship because you believe you don’t deserve one. It’s not uncommon to hear the story of leaving them before they leave you, to avoid the pain and humiliation that this can involve. In addition it could well be because you don’t believe you are worthy of being in a relationship.
How you pick your partners can also be a reflection on what you think you should be going for rather than what you actually want. Even then, compromise occurs because it doesn’t fit into someone else’s wrong image of what you should have.
You may give in to a perceived notion of what other people, such as family, expect you to go for: A nice doctor maybe? Have you ever thought that it’s just not worth the hassle stepping outside of the pack? Have you ever found that a lot of the time you’ve chosen your partner according to expectations from your culture, religion, family or friends? Have you found yourself wondering what your friends would say if you brought your partner to meet them? What would your family say?
That is someone else’s wrong image of what you should have. As it’s YOUR right to be wrong, ask yourself this simple question: How has it served you by dating someone else’s image of the ideal partner?
Taken from the book Its Your Right To Be Wrong in Relationships – By Elliot Kay and Marina Pearson http://www.itsyourrighttobewronginrelationships.com/#
The Coach With The Hat’s Mini Bio:
Elliot is a certified coach who works with peak performers helping to find balance between career/life by dealing with their inner conflict. Elliot is a former corporate trainer for the likes of Talk Talk & Sky Television and has been working successfully as a coach for over 3 years now. In the past 12 months, Elliot has garnered significant attention as a result of placing 3rd in the ‘Britain’s Next Top Coach’ competition, giving The Coach with the Hat brand national recognition.
Links to The Coach with The Hat:
YOUTUBE CHANNEL: http://www.youtube.com/user/thecoachwiththehat?
A Message from Jaki ~ Thank you
Thank you Elliot – After having lived most of my adult life in the shadows of of fear, of being wrong, of looking the fool, of not recognising who I was inside, this blog resonates deeply with me. It was only when the ‘frustration’ of existing instead of living ‘slapped’ me in the face during a health scare in 2007 that I started to enjoy being me. Then the best gift of all was the realisation that every day, every experience had been a gift, it had helped me to grow into who I am today. The Gift of Gratitude opened up a whole new world – one where I am happy to be wrong, right, learning, teaching, sharing, experiencing …. ….
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